


A known mistake

by enbylovesferengis (obviouslyelementary)



Series: The unwilling prince and the prophet's chosen [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Background Relationships, Damar lives, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Morning After, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Cardassia, Post-Canon Fix-It, Self-Hatred, conflicted feelings, more like enemies to ? to ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26837782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/enbylovesferengis
Summary: "And maybe it was the drink, maybe it was the party, or maybe it was how lonely and sad they felt, for having lost almost everyone they ever loved, but the movement was mutual and strangely natural. He leaned in, and so did she, and they met in the middle in a kiss drowned in tears, salty and watery, strange but also extremely relaxing."
Relationships: Damar & Elim Garak & Kira Nerys, Damar/Kira Nerys, Ezri Dax & Kira Nerys, Julian Bashir & Kira Nerys, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: The unwilling prince and the prophet's chosen [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959145
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	A known mistake

**Author's Note:**

> OOf this is so self indulgent idk man

When Damar woke up, he could barely remembered what had happened in the last night for over a few minutes. His head was pounding like it hadn't for months, maybe an year by now, and his body was, well, very warm. In his sleepy mindset, he could feel his arm wrapped around something, or rather someone, so warm and with skin so soft that he wondered if he had taken a doll to bed last night, for a second. He pulled whoever it was that laid next to him closer, for a moment wondering if it all he remembered was a dream, and he had somehow ended up in Weyoun's quarters again after a long night of drinking and self loathing, but the moment he pulled the warm body close and pressed his face against their hair, the smell was very different, more citrusy and sweet than Weyoun's, and their body was curvy, a different shape for sure. It was also quite less hairy, because while Weyoun's body hair was almost transparent, it was very thick and long and to the touch of a lover, it was impossible not to feel. This one's was thin, small, barely plumage. Still weird, considering the only non cardassian person Damar had ever bedded was a Vorta, but still, he was aware that whoever this was was not one of his worst nightmares coming back, nor was his typical cardassian lady.

The body wrapped in his arm stirred as well, slightly, seeming to stretch just a bit but not fully wake up, perhaps in the same state of mind he was at the moment. He could feel himself drifting off with his nose pressed against the back of their head, breathing in the unfamiliar scent, taking the warmth for himself. He even wondered if he was in Cardassia, for a second, or if he were in a very comfortable bed in a prison somewhere. His mind was so confused, so filled with sleep and dream-like thoughts, that he simply could not remember what had happened for this situation to be the present one. He didn't even have enough strength to open his eyes and check whom it was he held.

Unluckily for him, he did not have to. The moment whoever shared his bed woke up, they immediately gasped and pulled away, taking the sheets with them, leaving him naked and cold and confused. He blinked his eyes open at last, happy that at least the lights weren't on, a small ray of sunshine coming through the partially opened curtains of the window. When his eyes adjusted and the sleep was pulled away from him, he was able to see the shadowy figure move around the room, wrapped around the sheets, looking for their clothes.

"I can't believe it, I just... AH!" they yelled, or rather just spoke a little louder, but it would have been the same for Damar's sensitive hearing. He winced and sat up, confused, pushing the hair out of his face and rubbing the sleep off his eyes, trying to make sense of what was going on. In the shadows he could see the form of what he could only guess was a human, or a trill, or a bajoran or a betazoid, and through that confusing thought he wondered why so many of them were so alike. Apes, he reminded himself, they came from apes. Vortas did too. Some other species as well. Cardassians evolved from lizards, or what humans called lizards. Right. That was why they were so alike.

"Could you keep your voice down?" he muttered when he finally found his voice, and by then, his clearly unrequited lover had already dressed up again. The sheet was dropped to the ground and they turned around to face him, a look on their face that was very familiar to him.

A face that was very familiar to him.

He blinked slowly, and suddenly, his memory came back in a flash.

Coronel Kira looked right into his eyes with so much hatred and disgust that he would have felt bad, if he wasn't so sleepy and hangover. She grabbed the sheets on the floor, threw them at his face and ran out of the bedroom, leaving him confused and slightly upset, for reasons that were alien to him. Once she left, he laid back down, his head pounding, and instead of running after her, he simply covered himself up and went back to sleep.

He could deal with her later. Right now, he was tired, and hurting, and he needed some rest.

\----------------------

Kira didn't know if she was very lucky or very unlucky to not be alone at Cardassia, without her friends to talk to. The moment she walked into their reserved mess hall, she was met with Ezri, Julian and Garak all eating their breakfasts and talking, and she almost turned around and left. She was so angry, ashamed and just disgusted with herself, she didn't know what to say, what to think, what to do. And by the look on their faces, it was clear that they knew she wasn't fine.

"I believe I have some duties to perform, I will see you all later" Garak said right after she came inside, clearly not wanting to get involved. He gave Julian a gentle kiss and whispered something in his ear before turning and leaving, and Kira was both thankful and annoyed by his clear intention to leave as soon as possible. She headed over to the replicator, asking for some red leaves tea and some fruit, to which it replicated and she picked up, taking it to the table and sitting down. She sat quite far away from the other two, and both of them seemed quiet, just watching her, while she sipped on her drink and ate some pieces of her breakfast. It took them a minute, before they moved closer to her and sat down.

Blessed be their endless curiosity. If it was Worf or Miles, they wouldn't have even moved.

"Kira? Is there something wrong?" Ezri asked, with her gentle tone of voice that usually made Kira feel better. Today, it made her even more angry.

"I'm fine" she responded, short and rude, and saw by the corner of her eyes the two science officers look at each other before looking back at her.

"Kira... what happened?" Julian was the next one to ask, and she almost slammed her hand on the table and yelled out for the world. But she held herself back, and bit a large piece of her fruit, wiping her mouth with her sleeve instead of a napkin just because she was too angry to.

"Nothing happened. Everything is fine!" she answered with a mouth full of fruit, swallowing it down with a gulp of tea and hissing at how hot it was. "By the prophets these cardassians can't do anything right?! This tea is too hot!"

"Do you want some ice cubes?" Ezri suggested, but shut up the moment Kira looked at her. "Kira, you may not want to tell us what is wrong... but if you don't, we can't help. And if we can't help... well, there is no point in being rude to us."

Kira loved Ezri in many ways. She loved her like her best friend, like a little sister, and like a big sister too. But she hated her as a counselor. Specially when she was right.

She pushed down her anger, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, before sighing and looking at her two friends with a softer, calmer look. She placed her fruit down and rubbed her face, pushing her hair back in distress and messing it up, but she didn't care, not right now. She was so frustrated, and maybe she would never tell anything that happened for anyone else, but Ezri? Julian?

She knew she could count on them.

"I'm sorry" Kira said, breathing deeply again and lowering her head, rubbing the ridges of her nose. "It's just... I... I think I just made the worst mistake of my entire life and I am very, very angry at myself. Disgusted, even. It's eating me up."

"Well, it can't be so bad... you're still alive, and there's no blood anywhere. The cardassians didn't sound any alarm" Julian said, trying to be funny in the way he always was, but with a stare he shut up immediately. Kira felt Ezri's hand on her own and looked back at her, and she had her always sweet eyes looking back at her.

"Tell us what is wrong."

Kira held her hand back, squeezed it gently, and closed her eyes before she spoke because she couldn't see the shock on their faces just yet.

"I... slept with Damar" she said, a sick feeling coming up in her throat the moment she uttered the words.

And there was silence in the room.

\-------------------

_The celebration had been wonderful: another cardassian city completely rebuilt from the ground up, an inauguration that brought peace and happiness to the cardassian people all around the sector. There were still many cities in Cardassia Prime to be fixed, and many other planets to be taken care of, but the fact was, it was working. They were making it work. And the party itself had been made even better by the guests that had come to celebrate it._

_From the Federation, came two admirals and a ship captain with her crew. The two honored guests, however, were Julian Bashir and Ezri Dax, who had been in Cardassia since day one of the restauration of the empire, helping them rebuild with everything they had. From the Klingons, Worf himself had made sure to visit in the name of Kronos and their chancellor Martok, probably taking the invite to visit some of his old friends as well. From Romulus, came a captain and a small crew, and even from Ferenginar came a small little ferengi called Brunt whom Damar had never heard of in his life. But for sure, their most important guest was from Bajor, ironically. Coronel and commander Kira Nerys, who had been in close contact with Damar ever since the war ended, who had helped him defend his post and rebuild his cities, both from afar and from close range. She had almost turned into an ambassador for him, visiting Cardassia at least ten times in the last months, making sure Bajor gave all it could to aid Cardassia again. He was no fool, he knew part of her reasoning behind helping was to make sure the cardassians knew who was helping, and how they would never be able to repay the dept they had with Bajor, but still, she was of grand importance._

_And Damar was very happy she had attended._

_The official celebration was a bore, the party afterwards was fun, but surely what impressed him the most was, late into the night, he approached the coronel with his mind slightly light from Kanar and Springwine, and asked her if she would like to come over to his quarters to talk about their time in the rebellion, laugh about some old times, maybe have another glass of wine. And what surprised him was when she agreed._

_So, after almost all the guests were either passed out drunk or had left to their quarters, Damar nudged her towards the door and Kira went with him, smiling and clearly enjoying the company. She confessed to him that it was probably because she was drunk, or else she would have never said yes even if she wanted to, and he laughed with her because he admitted he would have never asked if he was sober either, even if he wanted to. They walked inside his quarters and he guided her to the couch, serving them both some spring wine and sitting down on the chair next to the couch, wanting to give her some space. They had spent a lot of time together during the rebellion, they had exchanged many official dinners and none official meals to resolve the problems of Cardassia, but nothing had ever seemed as personal as this, and he wanted to give her some space._

_After all, he was a cardassian, she was a bajoran, and they had a lot of silent distaste for each other. At least, they had once._

_Once they were alone in the quietness of his quarters, the talk that had began so easily turned more cold and perhaps, less organic. There was an awkward silence that made them both regret ever agreeing on this convo, before Kira found something of interest in his quarter's décor, and it went easily from then on forward. She asked him about the painting on the wall, something she seemed to recognize, and he admitted it was a gift given to him during the occupation, which probably meant it was bajoran. She gave him a glance, but he shrugged, assuring her he kept it because he found it pretty, despite not very cardassian. She admired the work, seeming to recognize the trace, and then moved on to other decorations around the room. She asked about the insignias on the wall, and he explained they were from the army, for his deeds. She asked about a statue, and he told her it was something his parents left him when they died. So on and so forth, she wondered around his quarters, asking about the different objects he had around, and he explained all of them to her, one by one, drinking his wine and relaxing on the chair. It felt strangely familiar, and calming, to be able to explain everything to someone who knew nothing of his culture._

_He knew nothing of hers either, so perhaps one day he would have the same opportunity._

_After Kira stopped asking, mostly because there was nothing else for her to ask about, the room became quiet again, but way less uncomfortable than it had been a few minutes prior. Damar focused his attention on the wall in front of him, sipping on his wine and allowing her to wonder around, just before she sat down again on the couch close to him, holding something in her hand. When he looked, his calmness turned into alert, and he recognized the object without even seeing what it was._

_His first instinct was to reach out and take it away from her, but he didn't. And he didn't know why._

_"That's them, isn't it?" Kira asked, and her voice was soft, calm. Damar didn't answer, pressing his lips together in a thin line, and after a moment she looked up at him, sorry and unsure. She turned the PADD towards him, as if he didn't know what she was talking about, and after staring at her face for another second or so, his eyes drifted down to the picture in her hands, something he had grown tired of seeing throughout the last year._

_He gave her a nod, to answer her question, and then reached out for it, taking the picture into his hands and brushing his thumb down gently on it. The picture felt like a lie in physical form. The smile on his own face, false. He could see it, despite no one else being able to. He remembered that day, how horrible it had been, how tired he had felt once it was over. His wife smiled too, next to him, but it was also a lie. They fought the entire day that picture was taken, they were at each other's throats. She wanted him to be faithful, loyal to her and their family, and he just wanted her to stop complaining and shut up for once, because he couldn't be around her while there was a war going on. It was taken a few days before he left to Terok Nor with Dukat and the Dominion to take it over, and he remembered being glad to be away from Cardassia, away from her._

_It wouldn't be as bad, if it had been just her killed._

_Because next to their empty eyes and fake smiles, the picture of happiness shone and brightened the whole picture. His son, who smiled so widely his ear scales disappeared. Whose eyes were so wide and full of wonder that it could blind anyone that stared within them for too long. A mind filled with fantasies of conquest, knowledge and love for the unknown. Damar remembered playing with him during the day, mindless, paying almost no attention to the boy in front of him. He was worried about Dukat, about the Dominion, about Terok Nor. Too worried about the war that was rising to see the only thing that mattered in front of him. His son had been kind to him that day, too much so, forgiving him for his lack of focus and wishing him luck in the battles that would come._

_He gave him a necklace made with teeth and bones of animals he found dead, one of his strangest interests. A necklace Damar threw somewhere, without care, wondering why his son had such weird fascinations, never knowing how much he would regret it later on. If anything, it would be a memory of him, something else to remember him by besides the only picture he was able to find, intact, pushed inside his bag as far as it could go so he wouldn't be reminded of it._

_Now, he wanted to place it somewhere he could see every day._

_While staring at the picture, being reminded of happier times, he forgot he wasn't alone. His mind, settled back in that dark place of his life, didn’t acknowledge anything or anyone around him, deciding instead to focus on all the decisions he had made wrong in his life. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his face that he noticed he was even crying, or that someone was watching this unfold. If he was sober, he would have slapped that hand away, told them to leave. Drunk, tired, and upset, he lowered the picture down and looked over at whoever was giving him such a tender touch, and found his eyes meeting with the coronel's, two dark orbs he never thought he would see at such proximity._

_Her hand cupped his cheek, her thumb wiped his tears, and her face brought him a weird feeling of safety that allowed his walls to crumble, slowly, but surely. Instead of holding back, he allowed himself to release, not sobbing nor making any sounds, but freely allowing the tears to fall from his eyes, down his cheeks, into her hand. And she captured them all, with a glance that had no second intention or malice in it. In fact, the more he looked, the more it seemed like she was crying too._

_And maybe it was the drink, maybe it was the party, or maybe it was how lonely and sad they felt, for having lost almost everyone they ever loved, but the movement was mutual and strangely natural. He leaned in, and so did she, and they met in the middle in a kiss drowned in tears, salty and watery, strange but also extremely relaxing. He sighed when they pulled back, eyes still closed, and did not have time to form any words before they were kissing again, perhaps more sure of themselves, more needy and desperate. He moved, she moved, and it was almost like a dance, and neither really understood what was going on, besides the fact that it was something they both needed and they both wanted at the moment._

_And it evolved beyond anything they could have ever imagined._

\---------------------

"Kira, what happened? Did he force you? Did he hurt you?" Ezri asked, already assuming the worst, and she would be right to do so. Kira looked at her tea and took another sip, while shaking her head slowly, slightly. By the Prophets, perhaps that was the part that bothered her the most. "If so we can take you out of here, I can call Worf-"

"No, Ezri, there is no need" she assured, sighing loudly and rubbing her face. "It wasn't... he didn't force me at all. It was completely... completely consensual."

"The way you are saying it makes it sound worst than if it wasn't" Julian said, raising an eyebrow, and Kira looked at him with a defeated expression. Truth was that, in part, she thought it was. She thought, wrongly so, that it would have been easier if he had forced her hand, drugged her somehow. Deep inside she knew she would feel way worst if that was true, but she simply couldn't believe herself. She couldn't believe her actions.

She hated cardassians. She promised herself she would never do anything like that with the people that hurt hers, that she would never do it even to save herself, even to save someone else. She promised herself that laying with them was out of the question, even after she found out about her mother. Things were more grey than black and white as she had first imagined, but she wasn't a part of it.

Not until now, at least.

"I can't believe I was such a fool" Kira said, rubbing her eyes, her face, feeling horrible. She didn't want to cry, really, it was more like a need to scratch herself raw. She just didn’t because she respected herself, and because Ezri was still holding one of her hands.

"Kira, you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. It was a mistake, it happens" Ezri tried, but that only made her even angrier.

"A mistake?! Ezri, I slept with one of the men that tortured, killed and destroyed my people, my home! He isn't some... person I don't like, some federation officer I find annoying! He is Damar! He is the leader of Cardassia, he was a gul, he was a legade during the Dominion war! No matter how many rebellions he leads, none of it will erase what he did before!" she cried out, slamming her hand on the table, finally letting out some of that steam. Ezri and Julian exchanged a look and then looked back at her as she panted, eyes tightly closed. "I can't believe I betrayed myself and my people like that..."

"Kira. Stop" Julian said, his voice calm, and she looked at him ready to punch his large nose. But his calming expression made her freeze and stare at him. "I know how you are feeling. You were drunk, you were happy, you didn't think. You two probably had a moment of vulnerability, and you are both very lonely. Odo left you, Sisko is gone... and both Ezri and I have been more here in Cardassia than in DS9. You are basically alone with Quark back at the station, it's only fair that you are frustrated and unhappy, in need of company. You were at the wrong place, at the wrong time. You have to accept it happened and let it go, or else you will keep hating yourself forever."

"You say it as if it's easy. I can't. This goes basically against everything I ever believed in" she said, shaking her head. "There is no excuse, I can't excuse myself when I blamed so many others for doing the same."

"The same? How come?" Ezri asked, looking at Kira. "You blame women and men who allied themselves to the cardassians during the occupation of Bajor. You blame women that were looking for an easier, better life next to your torturers. You blame your mother for accepting Dukat's words, for believing in him, for wanting your protection rather than your freedom. You blame them for things you did not do. You fought, you sacrificed your life and the life of those you loved for your freedom. What you did yesterday, you didn't do for any of those reasons. Did Damar promise you a better life? Did he promise to keep your children save and out of harm during an occupation that isn't happening? Did you gain any sort of aid for sleeping with him?" she asked, and Kira began to feel the pain in her heart diminishing at every word. "Maybe you regret what you did. Maybe you think you shouldn't. But what you did yesterday had nothing to do with what you dislike. And I know you Nerys. If you saw a happy bajoran and cardassian couple on the streets, one that wasn't together for any other reason other than because they loved each other, you wouldn't be against them. You would be happy for them. So let it go, and stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong."

Kira blinked slowly and looked at Julian, who nodded in agreement to Ezri's words. He sighed then, a little bit of weight lifted from her shoulders, and nodded at them, smiling and squeezing their hands. She knew she couldn't keep dwelling about this forever, that she still had work to do in Cardassia before she left, and all her attention and focus should be on helping the people that needed. And perhaps, like this, she could convince herself that she wasn't a collaborator, that Ezri was right.

She still regretted it, but she wasn't blaming herself so much for it anymore.

\------------------------

For the rest of the day, they did not see each other, with Kira making sure not to wonder around places he could be, and Damar not making any effort to go after her. Once his hangover had been settled and he was finally awake, he understood exactly why she had left, and did not want to make her any more uncomfortable than she probably was. Besides, he had many duties to fulfill, many papers to sign and constructions to watch over. So, they spent the rest of their day apart, and while he knew she would only be around another two or three days, he gave her space, willing to let it all pass between them as if nothing had happened.

But by the end of that same day, when the sun settled and he found himself alone, he couldn't help the guilt that rose in his chest.

Damar liked to think that he wasn't a man of self-pity, but more than once he had found himself wishing his life hadn't been so harsh. The guilt he felt was understandable, at least to him, because it was clear that somehow he had cornered the coronel into a situation she was not comfortable with, and perhaps their many months, almost an year of slowly progressing friendship had been terminated by a single wrong move on his part. He would like to say he was still the same man from way before the Dominion war, when he had friends all over Cardassia and could start a conversation with almost anyone willing to listen, but now his list of friends grew shorter by the hour, with the modifications to the government and the many casualties suffered in his homeland. So losing someone as important to him as Kira was surely no in the question, not if he could avoid it.

In another time, he would have never laid with her. He would have never shared a bed with a bajoran, specially not her. Unlike most of his friends back during the occupation, he never saw bajoran women as attractive or even worthy of sharing a bed with him. His feelings didn't change after it either, and during the few months where he and Kira Nerys shared the command of Terok Nor while the Dominion tried to take over the quadrant, he never once imagined her anywhere close to him unless it was choking to death in his grasp. He hated her, despised her, and never understood what Dukat saw on her.

Now, however... he still didn't understand Dukat's obsession. But he knew she was a wonderful woman, with a warm heart and a beautiful soul.

So, with all things considered, he stood up from his couch and made his way to her quarters, heading to hers, hoping she would be awake or there at all. When he chimed on the door, and waited for an answer, he expected her to ask who it was, but instead she told him to come in, and he did, the doors opening in front of him before closing after he took a step inside.

Her eyes shifted from the PADD she was working on to the door, and her eyes turned angry almost immediately, but she tried to contain it. It was clear his company was not welcomed.

"Damar. What do I own the pleasure?" she asked, her voice cold and not at all receptive or warm in the way he remembered. It was just like back in Terok Nor, or the beginning of the rebellion. She despised him again. After he took a moment to answer, unsure where to start, she narrowed her eyes slightly. "Did you come to brag? To rub it in my face, to gloat? Because if you do, you won't be the first cardassian I will throw my teacup at."

"I'm sorry" he said, then, so she wouldn't continue. Somehow, it seemed like the last thing she expected, because her expression changed from anger to surprise in a split second. "I came to apologize for my behavior last night."

"Apologize? Is this some type of trick? Some deceitful way to make me feel guilty over what happened?!" she asked, the surprise turning into anger again, and he would have rolled his eyes if the situation wasn't so delicate.

"No. I came to apologize. I was drunk, and upset, and none of that should have happened" he said, and he hadn't yet left the edge of her door. He would leave the moment she told him to. She raised her eyebrow, unsure, and he understood her distrust.

"You are telling me that you didn't tell anyone about last night? That you didn't boast yourself up to your officers, you didn't show off how you slept with the most hateful bajoran you ever met?" she asked, chuckling, and he furrowed his eye scales in confusion. "I'm sorry if I can't exactly believe that, Damar."

"I don't know why, I would never do that. Unless a guard saw you leaving my quarters, I can assure you that no one knows. I haven't told anyone" he said, confused, and she seemed even more confused when she looked at him.

"Wait... you're telling the truth? If I ask any of your officers..."

"Like I said. Unless they saw you, they shouldn't know. I didn't tell" he assured, and she deflated. It was clear that she expected a completely different reaction, and she wasn't ready for his honesty. She never seemed to be. "I know your distrust for cardassians probably made you think that I would... boast myself up around my officers, and you would be right in any other case, but I have no intention of telling what happened to anyone. I recognize it as a mistake on your part, and I will respect your privacy."

"A mistake on my part?" Kira asked, confused again, and maybe slightly offended, and he nodded with certainty.

"Like before, I won't lie. Last night was what I had been... wishing... for the last few months. And even through my lack of memory the moment I woke up, after I sobered up I remembered everything, and I do not regret any moment of it. However I believe that you would and you did regret it, considering your past with cardassians and so on. So, I decided to never mention it again, if that is your wish. And I hope it will not ruin our work relationship, because I still need you and Bajor to rebuild Cardassia."

"I wouldn't mix my personal feelings with my work, even if I wanted to" Kira assured, still sounding surprised, and Damar gave her a nod. "In regards to last night, I..."

"There is no need to say anything. I will see you tomorrow, we are heading to the Ekidor region for some much needed repairs and reconstructions. If you are still willing to go."

"Yes, I am" she assured, firmly, and that was more like the Kira he remembered. "I will see you tomorrow, at six hundred hours."

"Very well. Have a good night, coronel" he said, bowing, and she bowed right back.

"You too, castellan."

Damar couldn't help but smirk at the usage of such an old term for Cardassia's head of state, and it was clear she used it to lighten the conversation, because she smiled right back. With a nod, he left her quarters, heading back to his own, knowing very well that despite the apology and the conviction that he would follow his word, he would still remember their night together with fondness.

And in silence, perhaps, so would she.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are everything for rare pairs thanks


End file.
